How is it possible to be in a world with so many other people and still feel desperately alone. I need to cut the last thread I have to him. I feel worthless. I miss my baby. I keep seeing her and hearing her call me. She's flinging her arms around me and smiling and calling me mommy.When i cry she's just there curled up against me. so much has happened since the last time i wrote here. It's like I've lived a whole life. I was hurt so badly I could barely stand. I made horrible mistakes. I lost friends. I started cutting again. I've given up. I've become great at pretending.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH...........And breathe.

Date:	2006-12-09 21:38
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	what other way is there to be?

Apollo looked at his children. "Come to the edge," he said.
"We cannot. It is too high." they replied.
"Come to the edge," he repeated.
"No father. We are afraid. Surely we shall fall."
Fear not, trust in me. Come to the edge." he said once again.
And, with nothing but hope in their soul and trust in their hearts, they stepped foward and leapt of the edge of their world.
And they flew.

- TRUST. That word has always been a loaded cannon for me. I've been hurt so many times before. Abandoned by people who said they'd never leave me. How can I, as a sane individual even fathom venturing into such territory again. How can I give myself and my trust to someone. The little sanity I have left is only there because I have taken all my secrets, all my pains, all my hurts, all my weaknesses and hidden them away from a world in which your best friend can become your worst enemy without warning. I want to fly. I want to step to the edge without fear, trusting that even if i fall, someone is there to catch me. I want that so badly but yet I can't seem to be able to let go even a little bit. I fear that I may choose blindly, trust someone who is not deserving. Give them my secrets. In actuality it is power that I would be giving them. Power to hurt me deeper than ever before.

-I trusted once. I had made a promise to myself to never put faith in the word of another again after the pain my family and friends had put me through. But he came into my world and made me promises I wanted to believe in. So I gave him the key to my sanity. I gave him my secrets. I let him see the real me. Threw aside my sarcastic, hard as nails demeanor to show him how weak and emotional I really was. I trusted him with everything I had. And he betrayed me.

-And now a you have come into my life promising to not hurt me. To never hit me. To always be honest. If my love wasn't enough for him, how can it be for you? How can I trust again? When the world has shown you that noone is truly real, how can you ever take that risk and remove your own mask?

Date:	2006-11-30 22:15
Subject:	The journey continues......
Security:	Public
Mood:	calm

Tired. Tired is what I am in spirit and body. I need to rest. Need to sleep the deep sleep as did Eurydice the dryad until she was awaken by Orpheus' song. But it is not love for which I wait in the limbo that is this slumber, it is clarity. My mind is becoming an inkwell. Thoughts that had long been sequestered beneath the darkest corner of my mind now eagerly reach out to me. I feel them as they caress my many faces, stroke the egos of all those that dwell within me...all the while pulling me down into the orgy that is my insanity. Darkness awaits me there. Sweet darkness. I used to call you friend, sister, brother, confidante, lover. Everytime I speak your name my voice breaks with emotion. For in times of despair, it was you that enveloped me in your warmth and held me till the tears stopped falling. But I am older now. My wings have grown and it is time now that I bid you goodbye. I need to step into the light. Forge my own path in this world. No longer can I hide in the fantasies we created. I no longer want to only feel at ease because you are at my side. As slowly and with all the pain my mother felt as I was expelled from her womb, I push my way into now. I step into here. I search for my moment. Without you. I have to find me and be comfortable in my own skin. When will it happen? When will I acheive this plane of clarity. When will I feel free to simply be. When will I be able to dance naked under a new moon and pay homage to Gaea, godess of the earth without care of judgement. I joyfully wait for the moment when my very existence will be the answer to the great question. I want to not have that need to belong. This is why I started my journey. I am on a journey to find this place. A place I have only seen in my dreams.

Backdrop: Doctor's office at my university's medical center.
Time: about 6:30.
Mood: disgusted at the snail pace at which these medical experts are working.

And scene....

- So there I am right, just a routine trip to the semi- competent medical practitioners at the good ole U.W of I. I go into the doctor's office expecting nothing more than a quick examination followed by a perscription for birth control to deal with my, as they oh so elegantly put it, "woman issues". I just happen to calmly mention to the woman in the white doctors' coat that for a while now I've been feeling something hard in my left breast, and immediately, i'm put to lie flat on a bed and she's groping my breasts.

Personal thoughts....

"Breathe hon, this is perfectly normal, just let her feel you up a bit and then you'll be on your way to get that chicken teriyaki sub you've been dreaming about"

DOCTOR LADY: "This is definitely a lump."
TOPLESS FEMALE a.k.a ME: "Eh?"
D.L: "A lump." (as if i didn't hear her the first time)
ME: "When you say lump...u mean a lump lump or a LUMP LUMP?"
D.L:"Only one way to find out. I'm sending you for an ultrasound"

-And that was it. With that one word, I took one step forward in the game of 'Simon Says'in which the goal is apparently to become a statistic.

Personal thoughts....

"Me... a statistic???"

-After the initial shock of hearing the word 'LUMP' being directed towards me and the 'girls' in such a "I could care less" manner, I started thinking, and to be honest I haven't stopped thinking since it happened. One thing that has been on my mind a lot is the fact that I made a promise to myself at the beginning of this semester. I set a goal. I planned to search out my true self. Find the real me. Come to terms with who and what I am. Become comfortable in my own skin. I realised that, honestly, I have made no real strides in the matter. At least not as I would have like to. I've been so caught up writing about my lost love that I lost focus. But then I realised...that too is part of finding myself. I need to come to terms with my abandonment issues. The hardest thing for me to do is open up to anyone. The fact that I opened up to a person like I did with he who holds my heart was a big step. The fact that things unfolded as they did put me further back into my 'shell' than I ever thought possilble to go. I need to deal. Not just vent. Actually deal with it. I need to face it. Don't be confused though. It's not like I'm gonna go and talk to him tommorrow but i realise that eventually I have to. I have to tell him everything, but first I need to deal with at least part of what I initially started out to deal with. Groundwork must first be done. At that point I know that whatever the outcome of our 'talk' I'll be alright. And I'll be able to move on. With or without him.

-I started this journal with a purpose (refer to first entry). I realised that I've only been paying attention to one aspect of the journey and totally neglecting the others. I need to correct this at once. I need to walk through the storm. I forgot for a while the promise I had made to myself. I am at this point reclaiming my journey. I need to walk down all roads, not just one. I'm taking up my walking stick and dusting off my boots once again. For it is only when I've braved that storm can I finally be at peace with myself simply being me.

-I have a biopsy scheduled soon. For now me and the lump (name to be announced in a future entry) going for food.

-I miss my friend. I really do. This is weird, not so
much that I miss her but the fact that I'm admitting
it openly. I just wish for one day with us two doing
whatever we want wherever we want. I want to enjoy
having fun (if you're too complex to understand the
simplicity of that statement, then tough).

-I keep making these things...i wouldn't call them
mistakes, more awkward choices. I keep doing things
and then wondering why i did them in the first
place. This does include men. I made a promise. I
swore to myself that i would take some time for
myself. To get my bearings and find the real me. So
then why does it seem that I'm lapsing, reverting the
person i'm trying to get away from. I have allowed
guys to cloud my judgement. Let then lay between my
legs and throw monkey wrenches into my best laid
plans while smothering me in kisses and promises
that, truthfully, i only want to hear coming from the
lips of the one I love. Why am I settling? More
importantly am I settling? Maybe I am ready to move
on to someone else. Not for a relationship...not
that, not yet, but maybe i'm ready to let him go...at
least for now......NAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!

-He's fun to hang with, has a great sense of humor, is
as considerated as you could wish for any
Triniadian, heterosexual man to be, is described by
most as a fine, smoothe, chocolate colored man (some
females actually drool over him), and he likes me...A
LOT. So then why don't I fel the same? And if I don't
like him like that, why do I allow him to crawl up on
me? Why do I act interested, when in fact, i have
intense feelings of disgust when he does certain
things. Not that he's doing anything wrong but just
the thought of him, of what i did with him makes me
want to throw up. Why do I then continue. My feelings
for him come and go. What the hell??

-I'm feeling quite lesbian tonight, sounds kinda weird
to hear comin from the straight girl, but honestly,
if some girl was to come onto me tonight........

-I still love him. I love him to the point that my
chest literally hurts when I see him. My life
continues to fall apart and decay at my feet. As I
sit and watch the putrid fecund mess that my
existence is becoming, I scream to the Gods to
forgive me for the sins my soul commited in my
previous incarnations. The vile atrocities that
warranted such a punishment. I need him with me. To
hold me when things get hard. To talk for hours about
everything under the godess' moon, en lie as still as
our over-sexed bodies would allow till our pulses
become in sync and we create a song, our song to the
rythym tat is born. I want to tell him I love him.
That's all I seem to be able to think of saying when
he's around. "It may be selfish but I need him. More
than she does. I'm tired of being rational, love
isn't rational. Tomorrow I'll see him again and we
won't speak a word to each other. I'll sit at the
table next to his as our mutual friends hold
conversations and laugh. I'll steal quick glances at
him when he turns away to laugh at a joke. Maybe i'll
catch him looking at me. Maybe he'll ask me to take a
walk with him and he'll pour out his soul to me and
tell me I'm the one he wants. Maybe tomorrow, I'll
finally tell him that I love him. It's times like
theseI'm saddened at the fact that tomorrow never
comes.

Date:	2006-11-03 22:44
Subject:	I'm dealing with it but it's a work in progress. bear with me....it still hurts.
Security:	Public
Mood:	drained

- I love him. Why is that so hard to deal with? Why does it make me want to rip my hair out and cry for joy at the same time? Why did I let him go? I wanted to be a loyal friend to her, i swear I did, but there comes a time when you meet someone that you can't let go. She was my friend, my ride or die chica for real. They met and hooked up a few times so everyone (including me) thought it was only a matter of time before they hooked up. See the thing is he was, and still can be a very scheming individual. I can't count the number of times he set up situations and played games to show he had the upper hand in the whole thing. They both did. I helped her play these game and once he even used me in a scheme that nearly broke up our friendship. Then they kinda cooled off....she always had other guys in her corner. The entire thing was confusing to say the least. I personally couldn't stand him. He was playing my girl and i'ma real loyal kinda friend so we couldn't have that.

- I actually started talking to him by accident. But we talked for hours. We had so much in common and the vibe was just right. Even at this time i was just talkin to him because if i infiltrate his mind i have leverage for the next time he starts to play games. But we started to hang out a lot. He even started helping me work out. To make a long story short, he told me he had feelings for me. I laughed in his face, totally shot him down. But he kept trying for months. Even cut off his hair (which was gorgeous by the way) o prove to me that he meant it. I kept tellin him it wouldn't happen an even pushed him into a relationship with my friend. They're together now. She and I are no longer friends cause she found out about the whole thing and it wasn't from me. I lied to her and kept secrets. I can't believe I lost a friend over a guy. That is not me! I swear. Even now i don't go out of my way to make friends cause what I did scared me. If i can do that to someone I considered then maybe I'm not as good a friend or person as I thought.My self esteem dropped. I thought I was the worst person ever. I 'm nott goin to sugarcoat this and make it seem like I was the victim cause I'm not....at least not really. I lied. I lied to her face. To today she doesn't know the truth of everything. I was disloyal. That is one characteristic i never thought would apply to me.

- I NEVER wanted a relationship (WITH ANYONE!!!). I wasn't looking for it and I damn sure wasn't expecting it. When I met him, it all changed. I really liked this person. He came into my life at a point when I needed someone but was too low to ask for help. I was going around smiling at the world but in my mind I was wishing to disappear. What I hid from the world, for some penultimately weird reason, I showed to him and he didn't leave. I told him the secret that cut so deep, I had never uttered it out loud. And in that moment, when it came out, I broke. I cried. I NEVER cry! And he held me. As sappy as it sounds, it means a lot cause this guy is the last person you expect to be there for you in times of great sadness. He just held me. Didn't say a word. There are so many moments we shared that I've never shared with anyone. I 've lived my entire life with a wall around the real me. I guard my emotions with a heavy sword. Noone sees me. I won't let them. Don't get me wrong, sometimes people come around that do, but with this guy....I started to break down my walls. I wanted him to see me, to know who I truly was and be accepted by him. There is no escuse for waht i did to my friend, but just this once, I wanted something for me. Someone for me. Because for once, it didn't seem all that bad to have someone there for you. In your corner for when shit goes down. He lit up my world but the crummy part is, i didn't know that until he was gone and i realised it was dark. I see him everyday, we go to school together and hang with the same people but we don't speak. What is there for me to say to him now?? The things I want to say, I can't say cause the situation is different now. But if i could, I would say this;


- "I love you. And god knows i wish i didn't but that's the way it is. I need you so much i feel like i can't exist without you. I carry you in my spirit and no other man I've been with after you comes close. When I sent you away, I closed up that part of me that had for once been in the open... vulnerable. I'd give myself to you a thousand times over tonight, even if i knew that tomorrow you would be going back to her.....just to know I had you at least for one more night. I'm breaking up inside. I'm going crazy and i can't deal with my life anymore. Everything around me is crumbling and I'm all alone. That scares me more than you can ever imagine. I don't want to fall so far that I can't get up but i'm too tired to stop it from hapenning. When you were in my life, i at least knew that someone was there to pick me up when shit got heavy but now it feels like i'm alone and it's too dark to see my way out with out a hand to guide me. It feels like you abandoned me. We're not even friends anymore and i want to know why. You said you'd be there for me. You said you'd never leave but you did! I gave you up, I know we had to spend time apart so we could deal with us not being together but i think I made a mistake. For once I want something. Friend or no friend I now realise that I needed you more than I ever needed her. I was just so used to always putting people first that i pushed you away without thinking. I love you. So much it hurts. I need you so much that it scares me. I'm a confident "independence for 2K6" type of female and you made me dependent on something for the first time in ever. I just want to know if everything that happened between us was real. No lies, no deception. I need that closure. You were such a big part of my life . I need to hear it from you that i didn't imagine all the feelings, passion, and connection we had. Cause I'm startin to doubt it all. I see you every morning and want nothing more than to run up to you and kiss you like i used to. Like we were the only ones that mattered in this entire universe. I want to apologise for giving you all those sleepless nights and dangling your emotions like I did. I want to apologise for pushing you away so many times when you put your feelings on the line. I now know what it feels like and i wouldn't wish this kind of pain on my worst enemy. I love you."


- I just needed to vent this. Most of you probably wouldn't get to the end anyway cause it's a really long entry but that's okay. I saw him today and just wanted him to hold me. Sometimes i need to just let it out cause my emotions get so backed up that i want to explode. Funny..... before i met him, I had no emotions.

Date:	2006-10-25 23:23
Subject:	Letting Go Of Ghosts
Security:	Public
Mood:	restless

They sat in the car in silence. He wondering if she'd give it up, she asking herself for the hundredth time why she was there in the first place. She had an exam was in the morning. Failing, though not an option, seemed the only viable possibility when considering the state of things.
"Can i ask you a question?" she asked, finally breaking the silence that had made the air so thick she felt as if she were drowning in her oxygen.
"Go ahead." he replied, eyes never leaving the road.
" This may sound weird...but do you think when we get to your place you're gonna fuck me?"
"Would that be a problem?"
"Yeah it would," she answered "cause i'm not goin to let you."
"Can you explain?"
"It's complicated... i can't explain it in words."
"Just say whatever you feel...it's your choice."
"What would you believe?"
"Whatever you tell me."
What was she to say? He was her friend. They had fun together and he could make her laugh at the drop of a hat. She'd cut her arm off before she hurt his feelings, but she'd die before she lied to him. How could she look him in the eye and say that she was in love, but the man that had knocked her senseless wasn't him. How could she explain to a man who kissed her hand lovingly when there were no words left to be said on those long drives home, and held her as if she were made for him, that everytime he kissed the curve of her neck, she closed her eyes and imagined another. His friend and ex-girlfriends' new boyfriend. Her once lover, now boyfriend of her ex-best friend. They sped along the highway in silence. She knew he wouldn't speak a word until she said something and the fact gave her a feeling of relief. In times of doubt, silence was usually a girl's best friend. His eyes remained fixed on the road ahead, frown lines formed at the corners of his lips. She wasn't goin to say a word, her jaw tensed and she crossed her arms in defiance to giving him the one thing he had ever seriously asked her for. Her fingers gripped the handle on the door as she stared out the window.
"Please."
It was her undoing, that single word broke flood banks that had long been restrained within her.
" I promised myself I wouldn't sleep with anyone until i got over the shit i'm going through. I have too many feelings inside me right now. If we have sex now, it'd be empty, just a fuck. It would be meaningless, at least to me. I know it wouldn't be that way for you and i don't want you to give to me what i can't give to you."
"Is that the truth?" he turned to her, eyes completely focussed. She had been so into her dialogue, she hadn't even noticed they had driven into his garage and the engine was off.
"Yes," it was the truth....at least as much of it as she was willing to give right now. She couldn't tell him the rest. The time wasn't right. She leaned over the driver's seat and kissed him with a passion she was only able to muster by closing her eyes and thinking of the one she could not have, and her heart shattered, as it did everytime she thought of the one she loved kissing the girl she once called friend.
"Let's go inside," voice now husky, carrying that sensual tone she knew he couldn't resist, she traced his inner thigh with her index finger. "You promised me a movie."
She opened the pasenger door, slid slowly out of her seat and walked through the front door he never bothered to close, making sure to arch her back as she swung her hips from side to side.
Reaching the light switch, she quickly turned it off. Maybe it was time to start to feel again. She would never have the man of her heart, she had come to realise this and was learning to deal with the fact. Maybe it was time to let another in. The pain she had felt when he told her he was leaving was more than she ever thought it was possible to experience but she was still here. Still breathing, still female...battered, yes....but broken, never. Maybe it was about time she started feeling again.
She felt him behind her before she turned. His arms circled her waist and his lips slowly traced the contours of her shoulder.
"I'll wait you know....till you're ready. All you have to do i ask me to and i will." he murmered against her nape.
Llife doesn't give us the answers, only the questions. She let him touch her, stroke her everywhere till she forgot her name and started speaking in tongues. She lost all thought except one...this wasn't the one she loved. Turning around to face the man....the wrong man...she lifted her arms so he could remove her T-shirt. It was time to let go of the ghost of yesterday. THis man wasn't perfect, but he loved her. Why not bask in his worship of her, even if for just a little while. After all, if u can't be with the one you love.....


- it's not perfect essay style, the english isn't great but i needed to write this...this entry is made up of my personal experience mied in with a high concentration of fiction. I'm not too comfortable putting my personal stuff right out there on these pages yet, so this is my compromise. love it or hate it i always say but it's what i feel like being right now.

Date:	2006-10-22 20:25
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	discontent

I don't really have anything to say right now so i'm just lettin my fingers play with the keyboard. Who knows...it may have a literary orgasm.
I'm stuck writing up labs for a stupid course that i hardly like. Come to think of it, i don't like any of my courses. I ask myself again and again why i do them but it's like i'm in academic quicksand. I can't get out. I love to dance. Singing is my passion and theatre is the best sex i've ever had. Being able to perform is a high unlike any other. When i performed, i would feel this shockwave run all through me and i would'nt be able to move. It was like i'd had a multiple orgasm. Even after the show was over...it'd feel like i was still cumming. So why I ask you am i slaving away doing science? Don't get me wrong, i actually like the shit, but i keep feeling like somethings missing. I need to express myself and making abstract collages out of animal innards while my professor drones on about hearts and stomach acids just isn't doing it for me anymore. The box is getting too tight and my claustrophobia is acting up. I just want to be me. Yeah, i wanna be a doctor (it's in my heart), but it feel like i'm giving up my soul. I have one more year of college before i enter medical school and i'm starting to have second thoughts about going. No one said life was easy, but i can't remember hearing it was so damn confusing!!!

- well it wasn't an orgasm, but who cares. This is my
journal. I can do and say what the fuck i want.

Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
So I took what's mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your head.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

I am a dreamer but when I wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be
I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.
I've watched you sleeping for a while.
I'd be the father of your child.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,
And I love you, I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I'm asleep.
And I will bear my soul in time,
When I'm kneeling at your feet.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.

Date:	2006-10-17 21:57
Subject:	Introduction - Stage 1
Security:	Public
Mood:	indescribable

Okay.....i'm not sure how this journal site works exactly, like who sees my entries (shit...don't even know if anyone will read them at all), but i need a place to vent so it seems like a good idea. I happen to be at a weird stage in my existence right now. I'm not a teenager (not exactly a woman yet) and in this place that means i have to start making decisions. You people don't know me so i guess i better fill u in on a few things:
1. I can be extremely indecisive. Even when i know what i want (weird, i
know...but then again i am a living oxymoron)
2. I'm extremely opinionated (that gets me in trouble a lot)
3. I can be a world class bitch ( but then what female isn't at times)
Thing is i'm beginning to learn a lot of new things about myself at this point in my life. The new me is finally manifesting itself. I've hidden it for so long, for whatever reason, that i don't even know who i am anymore. I've worn so many masks in my short life. I'm sick and tired of being all things to all people. I can't please everyone all the time and quite frankly...i don't want to anymore. I just want to be me! Without fear of judgement. I want to know that the people I call my friends are my friends. I need to know that my friendships aren't just contractual agreements based on a set of pre-determined conditions. i've had so many false friends in my life that i don't think i'd know what to do with a real one!I've loved...(hell i'm still in love!!)... and i've been cut so bad i'm still bleeding, but i'm still here. And i know there will be times i forget that i've survived before and will will myself to disappear because i'll think i live through this time. I want this journal to be a diary of my jouorney towards becoming me.Whoever I turn out to be. Lover,wuss,diva,egotistical pervert,whore,lesbian,bisexual,homewrecker...whatever. I've hurt people along the road already and i apologise to all of them, but what i've begun to realise is that i've been hurting myself more and that's what counts. I'll have good days where i'll write happy things about life and *gag* love. I'll have really bad days where i'll hate the world and spew discontent and rage onto the page (there'll be a lot of those), but eventually i hope the smoke will clear and i'll be okay. Till then...i'll let this site be the pillow i cry on. This entry may not be anything to you reading it (you may think it's absolutely boring) but honestly...i don't give a &*%$ what you think of it. This is me opening a window to my soul. If u want to come in...fine by me. If you've got better things to do....please refer to the third from last sentence.